i.d

So this past victoria weekend, i went to May Conference, a Korean CHristian retreat up in Hamilton somewhere. It was definitely a good experience as i was able to be reminded of what an Active Christ follower must do and what kinda of responsibilty entailed for one. For so long now ive remained comfortable in my current state of living and have remained a passive and lazy individual. It was a strong reminder and i was once again able to hear the words necessary to just wake me up. I dont know, im just hopin that this wont be another spiritual high and that i'll fall once again to my good old comfortable and safe living habit.

It's kinda weird, the more time that i spend experiencing korean culture - people (in general) and food in particular, the more i begin to familiarize and to start liking these things. KCF has been a pretty cool place to just experience a different Side of God that has been really enlightening and interesting. IT's so spiritual and so very tangible as one can almost feel God himself present around oneself. Though there remains a lot that i still am culturally unaware of and find a little unique and different, but in general it's just been a sick time and ive come have nothing but mad love for Korea.

KAM JAK TANG - the best, best food in the entire world. So beautiful as it is served up along with those mini dishes like kimchi and that potatoe stuff. It's all so very, very heavenly and perfect. It is an amazing combination of both spiciness and a little sweetness and sour. But also being to dig up the meat from the beef bone, it provides such a perfectly cooked tender texture and in mixing with the rice, the soup has such a strong aroma and fragrance of kimchi and pepper sweetness. It is the best that Korea has to offer in my mind, As this meal is to me nothing short of perfection. Ecspecially when it is served up with a nice cold OB beer, AWWW MAN, a taste of heaven as it cools the pallet and just refreshes the mouth and body. Invigorating.

Man my schedule is so messed up. Getting home at like 4 in the middle of the night and wakin up at 1 everyday. Definitely gotta start gettin bak on a more regular schedule. Anyways i was playin ball yesterday for the first time in pretty much a long long time. Man my cardio is bad, gotta start runnin or something. Also, i find myself constantly trying to reminisce bout the past, should really start lookin ahead rather than gettin lost in the past.

If theres one thing that i love so so much, its cell phones (like the Sony Ericsson W910 - DAMN). So hot, so sexy, so sleek, it's everything that a man could ask for. And wha'ts the best thing about cell phones? its that these companies such as my favourite sony ericsson, they constantly come out with even bigger and better models. In turn, it continuously drives me to upgrade and upgrade to get that sweet and sexy metal and chrome finished phone that comes out a coupla months before the previous sexy one did. U know, someone would call this desire, this addiction to upgrade a fall to consumerism. THat i would fall prey in becoming a tool to society's ploy in screwing the working student out of his little money? To this accusation, i gotta say - COME ON. Consumerism is for the weak at heart, but Passion is for the strong. I wonder what else in life can or should be upgraded too?

Today was a very, very unique day as i was able to experience both a highlight and also come to a realization of something that was very painful. A simple fact - I suck at bowling. A sport, if even called that, but a game nonetheless without purpose and void of any skill has become something that i detest and despise. A competitive person at heart, in seeing my low score on the monitor in comparison to the fellow competitors playing beside me, my heart breaks at what it displays. Such injustice and inequality is it displays not only my skill but also shows my lack in character and manhood as i am unable to rise to the occasion. They are able to elevate their score, yet consequently mine simply stays the same. What game is this, where i cannot win?
However on a positive note, i was able to see Ironman today, a great movie in my mind, filled with great effects and even having a good story line for a comic book movie. And in seeing this movie and this character of Tony Sparks who transformed into this machine that is iconic of heroism and all that is good, one draws comparison between the man and the mask. Can a man be more than what he is, by simply dressing different and thereby leading him to act differently. If Tony Sparks didn't have the armor and the suit, who would he be? Would he be any less of a man, could he evoke any less of an influence on the world? Such questions cause me to think about who I am. If a suit is able to change a man into being an icon of goodness that saves the world, what must i wear to even inspire the least of changes in this world. What must i do in order to make a difference? Is it even possible to change who i am to become another man by merely changing my outlook and outer self? Although far fetched and even insane, these comparisons between fictitious superheroes and myself cause me to think of these similarities. Im not exactly sure what im trying to say, i mean i guess if Ironman and all that he stands for and does is built on something as minuscule as a mask, what are the things that i must change and alter to become better and different? Maybes its not my appearance or building a suit of armor, but what are the small things in my life right now that deter me from being and living up to my full potential. What's holding me back and what are the things that i must build upon to approach that next thing that i must do in order to simply become better, an upgrade of Derek as of now.

MAn im so freakn depressed wit school. So tired of all this. How your life and all that your worth is dictated by 2 numbers. EVerything that u try so hard to work toward, your blood and sweat and most painfully, your hope. All that just gets destroyed and leaves you with nothing but disappointment. And man do i wanna move down town. Just so tired of life as it is, i just wanna go somewhere and get away from everything. Hopefully this summer will grant me that oppurtunity to free myself.

I gotta thank my boyz this year. For some reason that although our faith is what brings us together, it seems that it is our anger and dissapointment at UT that somehow strengthens our bonds. I don't know how nor understand why, but when one of us falls it seems that all of us together somehow fall together simultaneously. It's kinda like a really messed up dominoes effect. But either way, when i do fall it doesn't suck that bad when we're all kinda experiencing the same thing. As if we all know how that feels and there's that underlying sense of understanding and support. This brings me to another conclusion, if i were to hang out wit smarter kids, would that also by relation make me smarter as well? hmmm. Regardless, i'm definitely glad to be apart of this messed up brotherhood this year.

So i came across this letter i sent to an old friend a long time ago. Right now our relationship is kinda shaky and when i was reading the one that i sent, what i previously said is exactly the same way that feel right now with that person. I always strive to change, to grow yet why is that im back to where i was a year ago. How is that through everything that we've gone through, that ive gone through, back to where i was. Stagnated. And its not only in relationships that i seem to have problems, but also in school and in life in general. I keep coming across the same kinda problems that im supposed to have moved on from. I mean, if I'm not that man that I was yesterday and that I've learned from my mistakes, why is it that they keep resurfacing? I dont know. I really have thought about this question, and it's really angered me because i feel like i'm still that kid that i was a long time ago. But then i thought. If we are supposed to learn from our mistakes and to grow from them, it's not that we are able to dodge these problems but its possible that we're supposed to learn in dealing with them. Somehow grow stronger with each new day we face, and also become more mature in our relationships, in school and in life. Where although the old keeps running to meet wit the present, we can see each day as a new one and focus on what ahead, while reminded of what we've gone through in past as it we take that to pave our future.

So i think i'm gonna try to write more often now. Lately i've been listenin to this korean rapper/singer, T Tasha. She's aight i gotta admit. Though i can't understand a word that she says, i quite admire the flow of the beat and her voice. There's actually one song in particular that i really kinda like.

So I find myself once again sitting in front of a screen, trying to once again somehow put letters into words, words into sentences, and ultimately sentences into some form of understanding. Something that has become more and more of a challenge to me. However, at the moment I am actually lying back atop of not so sure clean bed sheets in a rundown motel, staring at my watch, as it’s fast approaching 2 in the morning. I find myself here because I am enjoying the last remaining days of my summer. After having spent the entire summer working I now find myself in the middle - somewhere between Chicago and Toronto. Anyways, I’m sitting and it has been a long, long day of continuous sitting and I can’t help but think… What am I writing, but more importantly, why am writing? But then again, inspiration comes in the most unsuspecting of places. So this entire day I have spent reflecting on this past year. Kinda weird isn’t it? Having spent more than 8 hours in the car today looking out the window for something that will distract me and relieve me from my parents’ constant murmuring and mumbling to each other, and the never ending harsh criticism of my worse than Asian women driving, and in the middle of all of this I am actually able to think of something meaningful.

So let me begin, this past year eh? Well it most definitely has been one that won’t be forgotten, although I wouldn’t say that it was one that is unforgettable as cited and overused by the most clique of movies, however, it was an opportunity to meet a lot of people which I believe will not be forgotten soon. Some were interesting, some were unique in their own right, but most definitely, they were all ok people.

I guess this year began with this past Fall Retreat. Fifty odd strangers camped in only a handful of tents in the middle of someone’s backyard, far out in the middle of nowhere. So let me continue, as I was thrown into this less than accommodating environment, a place ironically besetting my introduction to some very interesting people. Interesting is a word that will probably be used quite often, simply because I cannot find another term so inviting as that to define the people that I will generally be referring to.

I guess what was one the weirdest outcomes of this retreat, was that I was able to reintroduce myself to another friend whom I had barely known first year. Almost a stranger to me first year, I guess our similar pasts and more importantly, our similar vision for our own individual future was what somehow became a link to our friendship.
What probably was most memorable during that weekend though, was when I met this really unusual 2nd year person. Quite awkward and presumed to continually mock me throughout that entire weekend, she was definitely not someone I saw being seen together with me in public. Although her intentions and reason for her constant abuse was not without reason, yet her attitude toward myself was unlike anyone I have ever met before. And although her uniquely harsh and angered aggression toward myself filled with a sense of comedic criticism it was in the end strangely and unusually inviting.
I can remember in first year, I was part of this small group, a meeting of several friends who would meet weekly to just chill and talk about their week. It was quite inviting yet, because of my schedule and also I guess partly due to my inability in relating or sharing I wasn’t really much apart of that group. Similar to me, this other quiet individual whose goal in meeting good friends and finding people that he could share with was again parallel and hindered by our inability to open up. Although we didn’t really chill that first year, through acquaintances this past year we were able to find ourselves having or rather sharing a similar commonality, and that was our mutual disdain toward those self believed to be intellectually superior to us. This mutual understanding and, maybe too harsh to say, but hatred, inevitably became a much valuable key in our friendship.
I guess the most interesting person I met, who somehow through luck, chance or possible blessing, would eventually become one of the closest people that I will ever meet. This quite girl, actually not really so quite now that I come to think of it was introduced to me through our strategic game plan during the groups Mafia game and through our interconnected network of friends. Our relationship did eventually blossom to a connection that I had never once had before. A constant companion to this day, she remains a friend for life through the midst of our rocky and sometimes molu adventures. Our time spent together was one that I will always cherish.
Anyways I guess I can just say that Fall Retreat was the beginning of an awesome year. It happened so randomly, yet it set the trend for this year coming to be.

The Library. What a place. Throughout my ever so riveting 20 years of life experience, I have come across countless environments, hundreds of different settings each unique their own atmosphere and ambience. Ironically I have always found that the library to be a place filled with joy, hope often paralleled with a feeling of confusion and fatigue, yet of course there was also studying. It was as if that silent ambience gave me or filled me with a sense of purpose and encouragement when studying there. I felt like I somehow achieved something through the process of just being there. Therefore in end, I felt kinda proud. However, it would be much later that upon seeing my marks, I realized the true outcome of studying and how all in vain it all was. Yet the former has always somehow gave me a reason to be there.
In first semester I found myself living at the library. The very first time being at Robarts was I guess pretty memorable. I remember studying with just a few people, and even though some of us were strangers to each other, our common goal in not failing somehow stood as a link to each other. A much later realization would be that studying with friends is never a great idea. But that night stands as a benchmark and a reminder that first impressions are often lasting impressions, and most definitely, that night and those people reminded me of how fun it was and will forever remain a lasting fond memory of my youth. Much later we began studying at this other library and I swear, coming inside it felt as if I was entering a party or something. A place that is always filled with students and never having available seats, it was upon entering that place that I never had to worry about getting a seat. There was always someone there who pretty much secured an entire section for us to study.
I know, I sound like an idiot. Library being a club? What kind of garbage is this that’s spewing out of my mouth, and… you’re right it’s actually nothing like that. Haha. But nevertheless it was quite good. So it was good. Even the random pranks that we played on each other’s laptops, by putting inappropriate images on each other’s computers when they would walk away to go to the washroom or to get water, which many can attest to was quite inappropriate was fun. And though it may have been immature and though we often made a huge commotion that hindered even those around us to not study, it was all in the end something that was good. Good.

Second year was in every possible way different from first year. Coming to University I clinged to this vision of meeting as many people as possible, which I believe I successfully accomplished. However, I never truly learned to value my friendships, and realized that such relationships are not only gifts that are given for one another, but they stand as sacrifices offered to each other. In becoming a friend, you not only receive from what others give to you, but you also sacrifice a part of who you are to that other person. And it is this sacrifice that makes your friendship not only so very valuable, but also so fragile at the same time. It was in second year, at the age of 20 that I realized the responsibility and true value that a friendship entails.
This problem of often taking advantage of friends that I was harshly criticized for was brought to my attention by several people and was something that I never thought was possible. It was something that I didn’t think I could be blamed for and after repeated confrontation by several close people I guess I kind of saw it too. It’s a problem in social awareness, or rather social ignorance. In the midst of this phenomenal year, where I met some great people in first semester, in this process I somehow found myself ignoring much valued friends that I had in the past. Worse even, although unintentionally, but nonetheless harmful was my direct disregard for the sacrifice that others had made and given to me and even using that sacrifice and that trust against them. I guess it can be said that I used to see the measure of a man dictated by the quantity of people around him and by how many friends he had. It was as if collecting friends and becoming popular was a title that defined how good of a friend I was. In the end, I lost a lot but through hard work and through a period of enlightenment and solitude that I realized how much I had lost and much even one or two friend meant to me, were apart of me.

I was reading a book lately called Blink, that talked about first impressions and often how accurate that initial conversation is. The weird thing about me though, is that I think I always test out the people I meet for the first time. I always kind of make a not so appropriate comment often break the ice and if it is responded with a kind feedback than I will immediately like that person. If however, it is received with bad and misguided understanding than unfortunate to say, that person will be someone that I feel less close to. And unfortunate to say I do this with a lot of people. I can still remember that one time when me and two friends were walking to this house get together last year and rather than me break the silence with an inappropriate thing to say, the person beside me did and ironically it was also well received by the person to my other side. I was dumbstruck by this, but at that moment in time I knew that these guys beside me, suffice to say we shared something special. And much later on, we continue that conversation in the course of the year and it was as if our bond of friendship was founded upon that initial inappropriate comment. So in the end, I guess first impressions are lasting impressions.

I think I’ll take the time to comment on probably one of the most important if not the most important bonds of friendship that was ever graced upon me. It was a friendship, no I think the word brotherhood is a stronger more accurate title for the relationship that we all shared together. Founded on an understanding and a passion for Christ, us boys and our time spent with each other, it somehow made us all better people. I mean, we may have initially been drawn to each other through our mutual immaturity, but it became and developed into bond of trust, of support and of hope. We gave each other hope to become better than who we were and to strive to it together. I think that one of the hardest things in being a Christian is often our failure to see the physicality in God. We can’t fathom or begin to comprehend God because we cannot see Him and this stands as an obstacle in our faith. And as corny as this sounds, it was through the people that I saw this year, that I was able to see reflections of God. I was able to see parts of God living in these people and it was something that I can only assume made me grow tighter with these people.

So anyways second year was pretty aight. And although I’m writing this piece in some desolate random place, by just reminiscing about last year reminds me of the great times I had. Met so many people. Wasted so much valuable studying time. But in the end worth it all. And I guess one of the most important life lessons learned this past year, was friendship.

A friend once told me that the only difference discerning between knowledge and wisdom, is action. Where knowledge merely requires the correct plane of thought, wisdom however, demands for action inspired by knowledge. So often times, we live our lives learning so many things; learning to be stronger, to be smarter, to be more morally conscious, ultimately so that we become better people. However, knowledge is useless if it is not acted upon. In this sense, one may know clearly and distinctly between what is right and what it is wrong, yet wisdom understands that it does not solely demand action from the heart to believe, but action upon the body to move.

I have seen the wrongs of the world and often live as though they are transparent to me, and when asked regarding views of such menace, such immorality I clearly and so profoundly state that such things are wrong, that I am different, and that as a Christian my life is clear of such things. Yet, when asked what it is that makes me as a Christian separate from the evil and wrong, that makes me different and unique, my belief doesn’t do enough justice to proclaim my existence and my devotion. In this sense as a Christian, but more so as a human being visible to such evil in this world, by simply knowing that such things are wrong does nothing for this world and implies for no change.

We cannot correct the wrong by simply knowing, but by acting upon what is right. By simply standing firm to the sways of the world, knowing boldly that such things are wrong, is simply not enough for the world to change. We need to correct those things. We are called not merely to believe, but to act and seek out and correct the wrong.

As I reflect more and more upon my life, I see myself as more of a hypocrite. A man that is strung together with beliefs or rather knowledge of what is right, but lives a life that is void of passion and devotion. So often I see my reflection in the mirror and I am ashamed of the lies and the forgery that has become who I am, and the lack of strength I have to change myself.

So often it is remarked that passion without wisdom is simply ignorance and meaningless, yet wisdom without passion is useless and void of purpose. As a Christian, I know what I firmly believe and that my faith and knowing of what is true is concrete. However, void of passion I am without a will to act and to change, or rather without inspiration to live according to my faith at times.

Simply, I believe that as a human being, not just specifically Christians, but as men and women we are called to act. To live a life that is based according to what we so passionately realize is right and true. To live knowing that with each stride, with each decision we are changing not only the world that we see as corruptible, but ultimately we are changing our views and strengthening our beliefs in ourselves in recognizing what is right. We are able to become better people. Therefore, to simply know is not enough, action is required.

Someone once told me that relationships or friendships, like all things in this world, are best described as a business transaction. What one puts into a relationship is expected in return. Therefore, a relationship can be illustrated as a pure monetary equation, where costs (what we put into a relationship) should equate assets (what we gain in return from the relationship). Though simplistic and possibly barbaric as this definition may be, this was always expected for me, and it always seemed rational, agreeable but mostly it seemed fair. In this sense I always thought that it was always right, because both parties get what they want and more so, they get what they deserve. Another analogy describing relationships can again be suited to an ideal based on the need of supply and demand. What I have, you need, and what you have, I need, and through this relationship, it will allow for both parties to be completed in their personal exchanges.

For a long time, this is what I honestly believed a relationship or a friendship should be like and consequently if the other party was unable to hold up their end of their agreement, then in every sense the relationship was deemed useless and a waste of my time. Kind of cold isn’t it? But I think a lot of people would agree with me on this, because it isn’t necessarily selfish to think this way. Both people strive toward something that is achieved through the completion of each other lives through each others ability and influence. This ideal of you completing me, isn’t selfish at all, it is actually kind of romantic and beautiful. It doesn’t seem wrong, yet it also doesn’t seem perfectly right as well, it seems normal and expected.
However, one must question of how long a relationship can stay if it is purely give and take. I mean, if we were to live our life according this philosophy of a relationship, then how long can it truly last. If this transaction were to take place the initial individual to stop being a helper, to stop having anything more to give would basically end the relationship. Also, if the other person is unable to allow that individual to make him or her happy anymore, then the transaction is incomplete and should end. Furthermore, I believe the more important question is how this ideal of a relationship reflects the nature of who we are. In this light we see ourselves as incomplete, empty in a desperate search, sifting through countless people we meet in the purest intent of having them fill us with their influence, with their presence. Is there more to this? More to us? If there isn’t, than we truly are weak and empty people.

Yet, what if relationships aren’t about accepting each others’ influence? What if instead of desiring to receive, we desire on giving and offering? If we believe that we are in fact filled with greatness and that it is our expectation is to offer what we have, not in the hopes of its return, but purely based on a passion of giving, then what does that mean for us? What does that say about us, and our relationships? Is it even possible to live such a way? To these questions I have no such answer. However, if we offer what we have, even the little that we may posses with no desire for exchange, can we possibly be greater than who we actually are or who we think we are, and maybe could relationships be better and stronger too. A relationship that isn’t based on completing oneself, but is based on pouring out ones self, sacrificing themselves and offering a piece of who we are to others in the hopes of completing their lives, of making them happy. This just seems more meaningful, more honest and pure.

There is more to us than we think, and by offering what we have, by opening ourselves up to others with a passion to share, it allows us to truly grow and understand what life may be or what might be possible… even for us.

It is often believed that one can be defined by the people that they are surrounded by. That as individuals we are merely composed of the influences of others and therefore are expected to conform to those ideals. Yet, this theory or belief is in all regards false, for which I firmly believe that each one of us is an individual that stands independent from others. We stand as unique beings. However, I do believe that it is those that surround us that are able to not define us, but rather build us. For we ourselves lay the groundwork and foundation of our identity, yet it is those that are close and those that we love who build us up from that foundation. Those who challenge us to be stronger, kinder and simply make us better people. Therefore I come to question and value what is friendship, loyalty and trust, for these are the attributes that distinguish a friend and a foe.
I have often stood alone, looking toward what is and what can be. I have questioned my current state and sought out to see what lies ahead. It is in the midst of darkness that I see light. Therefore who I am, or rather who I have become is an image that is dictated by my individual moral structure, yet the challenges and the obstacles, along with the support and encouragement are formed by those around me. For I control myself, yet it is those around me that control the influences around me and thereby form and build apart of who I am.
This past year has been a year that was unexpected. A year that was different and a year that has surpassed all expectations. For those who have graced their presence in my life, I sincerely thank you. Because, you have influenced me to become better, challenged me to grow stronger, and nurtured me to be more faithful, and for this I thank you. To my brothers; B, Kenny, Josh, and Darryl you simply are my brothers. The accountability and the trust, along with our desire to do better has ignited within us a bond that is simply built upon our faith and our belief. Therefore I thank God for bringing us together. For all others who have impacted my life this year, I again sincerely thank you for being apart of who I am. Your words of encouragement and your discipline toward making me simply a better person has been strongly influencial and for this I thank you. In all things, you people have simply done what was needed and have allowed me to grow in such a way that I simply feel more mature, more strong, and more faithful.

For the past several weeks I have pondered and challenged myself to question as to what is the value of one’s true identity. What I mean by this, is whether it is worth the sacrifice of losing one’s own self in order to gain the acceptance and to abide by the social norm of others. That incessant annoyance, or that childish immaturity, are these qualities seen as being negative, as flaws and barriers to conform to the ideals and acceptance of others, is it worth the effort to change oneself merely to be accepted? It is often questioned whether it is worth, “to gain the whole world, but lose one’s soul.” Must we truly sacrifice and lose ourselves to gain new understandings and progression toward society’s “normal” nature, to assume the role that all have placed on us. With each new age, comes with a progression toward maturity, toward what is seen as regular and normal. As we grow, we socialize, and in this we gain insight towards the importance of socialization and acceptance. With each new passing year, we work and strive toward fitting in, to be accepted, to not stand out. Therefore I question the ideals and values that society has forced on us. In a nation such as ours, our proudest essence is the fact that as a country, we are built upon by the bricks of diversity. Therefore if diversity is what we all are proud of, than why is it that a drift away from the normal is seen as being unnatural and unwanted? It is in this state that I realize that we are who we are. Regardless of our nature we stand as unique individuals. I firmly believe that to be an individual separate from those around, it is the qualities of both the weak and strong that define who we are. Both the flaws and the strengths that dictate and express our innate nature that allows us to be ourselves. It is as much the negative aspects and the positive that simply challenge us to be ourselves, fully ourselves. As well is it possible that what others see as negative aspects we can view and appreciate as being strengths ourselves. Therefore I pose the challenge to others, to strive toward being yourselves, whether it be that constant desire to ask questions, or that constant flirtation toward beautiful women, continue to be oneself fully. Because we are who are regardless of who we may be… even if we are still childishly immature as we progress into our 20s.

What is the worth of education these days? I feel the need to question as to whether the knowledge that we gain from textbooks and lectures is the knowledge that thereby deems us worthy and educated. I at times foolishly feel honored that I attend such an esteemed faculty of education, yet at the same time I question whether or not, that qualifies me in any sense of being more educated or smarter than those that do not go to such an institution? The problem that I feel is that for university students these days, our nature is so binding as to which we feel superior simply because we go to university, yet we are consequently so ignorant as to the happenings of our world. We focus on what is relevant in our textbooks and what is on our tests and we completely ignore the problems that exist in areas that are not so far from us. Although this may be the mere constant ramblings of an individual who is still considered a teenager, I simply feel ignorant and even shameful for the lack of knowledge that I know. Culture, art, music and even history regarding my own heritage is completely far fetched from me. I stand as the only individual in my line of generations who has not had to work for their food on a daily bases, who has no worries of where they are living that night, and simply feel comfortable. I am so lucky yet at the same time, again and again I question if whether all this that has been given to me is actually a blessing or merely a hindrance, a handicap. My parents did everything they could so that I would have a life that they may not have had when they were young and for this I thank them, but at the same time they are shielding me from what I ultimately will have to face. Therefore one may question why don’t I merely begin now, why don’t I begin my quest for knowledge and gain experience into the “real world.” And for this, I think I will. It was Anatole France who said that education is, "…being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't." What I do know is limited and what I don’t is vast. Therefore I believe that I will begin once again to venture into that question of knowing more.

“He who reigns within himself and rules his passions, desires, and fears is more than a king.” – John Milton.

Passion can be seen as a quality of life that hinders an individual’s perception of right and wrong, judgment and ideals. It blinds us from our own intelligence and wisdom, and rather it uses our hearts as a guide to live our life. It is as much a weakness as it is a strength which drives us by the use of our emotions and our desires, rather than our judgment. It can be seen as a link and as a bind towards what we are searching and desiring for. It transforms us in such a way that we are forced without notice to fight for an object of our desire without the lack of knowledge regarding our consequences. Ironically, most people see this passion, this burning desire within them as a strength. The reason for this is the very same reason that many people find passion for weakness. By blocking and by ignoring consequence, and better knowing, we are able to pursue without hindrance. It is often believed that ignorance is bliss, with passion ignorance is merely ignored. I have seen people filled with this passion; a desire for someone they love, a desire for an opportunity, and a passion for their faith. Whatever it be, passion is what allows our hearts to speak and to lead us. It is our strength and it is the very symbol of humanity, to blindly go where no one has gone before.
I firmly believe that to have fought the good fight regardless of victory is far better than to walk wondering what if. Two words in the English dictionary that when put together create one of humanities greatest fears. What if. To be led by passion, means to be led through darkness and through fear, because once through you will not have regret, you may not have joy, but you will have pride and you will have content. Do not let oppurtunities go to waste, because they only come so often.
Therefore, as a result of this I hope that I may be filled with this passion. In whichever regard and object of affection it is, I hope that I will blindly go. That without thinking of consequences, of failure, I will find in myself the passion needed to pursue the impossible, to take that leap of faith and fight for what I love. In doing so I will ignore the consequences, the obstacles and the chance of failure. I will risk everything that I have for what I love, and with every fiber in my body, I will move toward and crawl toward that objective, because it is by hope that leads my spirit and passion that leads my heart and body.

“We accept the verdict of the past until the need for change cries out loudly enough to force upon us a choice between the comforts of further inertia and the irksomeness of action.” - Judge Learned Hand

Change is a scary thing. Sometimes we want things to remain the same because we see life as being safe, secure. However, we sometimes look towards change in order for life to evolve into greater things, and in doing so we realize the risks of losing those that are safe to us. The safe things that I am referring to are the objects in our lives that we feel will constantly be there and will forever remain as our rock and our defence. Consequently, it is in the pursuit of greater ambitions where we sometimes need to drop our guard and take the offensive and in doing so we lose that rock and support. Many individuals feel that in the present time of their life, it is perfect, that there is no need to change. The idea of overcoming obstacles and the need to change one’s way of life seems foolish and undesirable. However, we all have this whisper and a certain aspiration in need to evolve that we hear within us. It is a whisper that voices us to have a new start, even if we are satisfied with the way things are currently, it is a voice that leads us toward the next phase of life.

Personally, I feel as if I have forever been caged in this tight knit safe world that has been created for me by those who are important to me, and in doing so I have stayed frozen in time. The worst thing that I have come to realize in life is for a person to become “comfortable.” Comfortable is place where one is lazy and where one is tired and most of all, where one is safe. I have been comfortable for most of my life and I have just come to realize that. Therefore I propose for change. I remember one time when I was walking home with two of my friends last year in the dead of winter, and as we were walking a homeless man approached us asking for change. As I reached into my pockets looking for change, my friend without even thinking hands him a $20 bill. As I saw this I was awestruck, I was completely shocked because I couldn’t believe the hospitality of my friend. As a student I realize that we are not rich, and that $20 is a lot of money, therefore I couldn’t believe what I saw. As I was standing there, my other friend takes off his own gloves and asks him if his hands are cold, at this time the homeless man who was probably as shocked as I was quickly declined the offer and walked away. I mean this was insane, without a doubt in mind my friend offered $20 without even the slightest hint of hesitation. I am not saying that we should all be inclined to go around town offering $20 to homeless people, however, what I am saying is that in that moment of time, I realized who I was and who I could be. I saw the difference and it frightened me. I saw my life as it was presently, the ignorance, the laziness, the foolishness. I saw my priorities and my values as being so childish and so basic. Before we encountered that homeless man, I was satisfied for the most part with who I was, I was comfortable and even proud of myself. Yet, after this occurred I couldn’t believe who I was. It wasn’t so much that I began to hate myself, but rather I saw an image of who I could be. I saw the life of another that seemed so much more than mine. His generosity, his complete way of life seemed so more evolved. I mean I was standing there proud because I was going to give him $2 yet I saw the sacrifice and the values of this individual and I felt ashamed. Therefore I propose for change.

I mean, I’m still not really sure what it takes to change, but I guess I have come to the understanding that in order to grasp new things, we need to let go of some of the old. Therefore I hope that I have enough strength to let go of the things I love in order to attain the things I dream of.

Margaret Weis believed that, “"Hope is the denial of reality." It is the pursuit for something that we believe has value, yet consequently in the end we being faced with reality can never attain that object of pursuit, we fail. Yet, again and again, we live by this senseless drive toward an expectation or a goal that we cannot meet. We are filled with this sense of optimism that leads men and women to dare to dream, a dream that encourages us to constantly attempt and to forge on, regardless of the impossible nature of the task and ignoring the continuous failures of the past. Therefore why do we not simply give up? Is it really worth it, to get our hopes up yet knowing the hurt of crashing down on reality? And finally, where does this hope, this dream come from? I believe that the pursuit toward that endless dream is driven by a passion that is innate in us. We are led to hope and to pursue the impossible simply because it is impossible. Therefore we are led to idolize the very things that are forbidden and unattainable from us. We want what we simply cannot have. Yet another factor or term of hope is faith. Faith is a belief in God where the things that we need and the things that God believes is right for our life will be provided. Where as Christians we all follow a path, a way of life that is paved by God and he himself sees the things we need and those we do not. I have met incredible people filled with faith and passion in believing that God will heal and that God will provide. An old teacher of mine who I recently visited was found sick with Cancer. She is a strong and passionate woman that is filled with an incredible faith in God. She believes that she will endure that God will save her. When I see her current condition, I question how can a woman that faces such harsh realities have faith and hope? To be faced with such overwhelming odds and to feel so much pain yet, still have the sense to believe? Then I realize that in a state of this condition, hope is all we have. That in the midst of failure and in enduring situations we can only be driven to faith, to hope. Therefore I am simply saying that hope is not a weakness, but rather it is a strength. To live by faith is to live knowing that there are better days and that our future regardless of current problems exists with a brighter future lit by a paved path.

Prologue:

It is important to note that what is written does not reflect the man that I am. Rather what is written stands as an icon and a model of who I want to become someday. The advice and guideline that is outlined is written for myself and for the readers. Therefore understand that the writing reflects what I feel, and does not reflect who I am. Also the intention of this was written for the male species. Therefore understand that some of the content might seem a little bias and unusual if not understood correctly.





So what can I say? My first year at U of T has been somewhat… unique. Living on residence, on a floor full of guys and having to share a room with someone who barely spoke English was well, a new experience for me. I graduated High School with high hopes and ambitions of change, of wanting to become a different more mature individual. It was a new beginning and a new chapter of my life and I had one thing on my mind and that was to completely and to utterly change. Leaving home and taking up rez at St. Mikes in September I set out to meet as many new people as possible. Unfortunately U of T being somewhat predominately Asian, I somehow found myself joining several Asian exclusive clubs such as CASS (Canadian Asian Student Society), HKS (Hong Kong Society), and CCF (Chinese Christian Fellowship). Coming from a high school with practically no Asians enrolled, and being thrown into this very cultural and ethnic atmosphere, especially my roommate being straight out of Hong Kong, I had become what I hated and dreaded for most of my life. A Fob wannabe. I don’t know exactly where it began or what triggered this transformation but before I knew it, I was speaking more Cantonese than English. I was constantly surrounded by some sort of Asian figure. I began listening to Chinese Music and even started watching Chinese television programs. If I was in high school and I saw who I had become I would definitely beat myself up. Although being more Asian was a large factor of my change, I realized that somehow in the process I gained this new sense of confidence. I now had the uncanny ability to meet new people and somehow even be able to talk to girls. I mean I now could be able to carry on a conversation without staring at the floor or stuttering in sweat. In doing so I met some great people, great friends who made this year unlike any other. Thank you to those who have contributed to making this year one of my best and making some great memories. I have learned that true loyalty is not found through times of enjoyment and ease, yet it is constantly tested and it is through the hardship and perseverance that friendship and truth is finally founded upon.

It is often said that you yourself cannot define the type of person you are, but rather it is those around you that can define who you truly are. I agree with that. It is by knowing those around you and having that trust in them that strengthens and re-establishes your faith and values.

Remember that a key aspect in University is to find and strengthen your independence. University is a phase of independence, and therefore you are forced and required to adjust to the lifestyle of living alone. Therefore no longer will you have that person in your life to help do your laundry or to have a meal prepared for you three times a day (unless you live with a meal plan, then by all means you’re hooked up) but even if you do have a meal plan, in a very short amount of time you will get sick of it and therefore you will be looking for alternate means of dining. Oxford dictionary defines an individual as someone possessing or, “existing as a distinct entity.” To be separate and to be somewhat unique is what individuality truly means. Yet through the hardships of needing to do your own laundry, of feeding yourself and cleaning after yourself, the opportunity and the sacrifice of living on ones own is worth it all. Laundry costs $2.50 to wash and dry, McDonalds is open 24 hours at special locations and if you have a cool or really tidy roommate, don’t stress over cleaning. In living by yourself you gain this freedom, this independence that is incredibly awesome for an 18 or 19 year old. The ability to just relax in your room or your friend’s until dawn while doing absolutely nothing or chillin’ (which we will go into further detail later), is worth all the troubles. As well after living on your own for even a short time period, you find that you can no longer live with your family anymore. You become addicted to the freedom and it is something that your home and family can no longer provide.

Yet rez and living on your own is a network. You become linked to other people and they become your somewhat, “new family.” You can now live with other people that are similar to you and therefore you discover that all of you are able to face this new phase of life together. It’s remarkable really, and it’s something that every man and woman must go through. However, along with the hype of fun comes a change.

A great man once said that, “with great power comes great responsibility.” In living alone you develop not only great ties with friends but also you begin to understand yourself. You realize that your parents or guardians no longer care about your marks or what time you go to sleep at. They worry, yet there really is no way for them to know about your new adjusted life. No more yelling and shouting and forcing to do homework, you’re on your own. Therefore understand that yes you have this great freedom and this incredible network of friends, yet realize also that your life is now in your own hands. Trust me, everyone in University or at least most people go to sleep at around 2 or 3 am, regardless of their classes the next day. All-nighters become a common thing, and by no means are these all-nighters for educational purposes. You find yourself eating more McDonalds and you soon realize that you now know all the days of the McDeal. I mean yes you can do whatever you want but at the same time you must control and understand that the life that you live now is for yourself.
You need to learn that control and sacrifice are needed in order to succeed in all areas of life. Sleeping late and irregular sleeping habits are a common thing in University yet they are extremely detrimental to one’s health. Fast food, especially at night is horrible for you. Also realize when to study. Study hard and study with intent to do well, because by all means University is about grades. Give the time to studying and make the sacrifice to study in the library (again the library is a great place for many, many reasons). Do what is required and focus on ultimately what is it that is important. It is often said that a lifestyle should be focused around this aspect, “Work hard, play harder.” If you study, study like your going to fail and that if don’t do well you’re going to have to move back to your parents. Yet once you’ve taken the necessary time in studying, then by all means have fun. Get drunk, go clubbing (will be further explained), go party, do whatever it is you do, knowing that you have done what is required. Independence is great for many reasons, but most important is that it establishes and it forms oneself to become in control and to realize the responsibilities that come with living and being in charge of one’s own life.


As well it is important to realize who gives a shit what other people think. There are around 70,000 students at U of T. who cares what one or two of them think of you. Be yourself. Be a man. If they don’t like you, or if they think you’re a loser, screw them. If they actually take the time to criticize then they’re bigger losers than you think. Don’t care what other people think, just make sure that those specific ones whose opinion of you actually matters has a good impression of you. These include your friends, family and most importantly the potentially hot girl sitting across from you in the library.

On a side note, I recently watched a documentary focused on children in Hong Kong who are underprivileged and in poverty. The show portrayed several young children and in particular focused on this 11 year old Chinese girl. This girl having to go to school everyday is unable to afford for public transit and so she has to walk 40 minutes everyday there and back to get to school. She goes home to a room no larger than a typical bedroom where she lives in with her two parents and little brother. In Hong Kong there are common apartments that are divided into large rooms where 5 or 6 typical families live in sharing a single washroom and kitchen, in which case a family of four often have to live in bunk beds in a single room. As well, in Hong Kong people are unable to afford a refrigerator and therefore they need to shop everyday for groceries. However those that are in such poverty are unable to afford a decent meal every night and therefore this little girl goes around the street market at night, asking for meat and vegetables that are no longer fresh and therefore can no longer be sold. The program then shifts to two siblings, a brother 13 years old and younger sister 11. Again this is a family of four living in a single room and needing to beg for spoiled and unwanted food every night. Several times a week these two kids who are no different from you and I go around the city looking for old newspaper and cardboard so that they can sell it and make some money. Several hours of searching and pushing a cart full of old newspaper pays about $14 Hong Kong. That’s around $2 Canadian. Often after school they would walk and browse through stores and see the toys that they desired yet unable to ever attain. The reporter asked the little girl what she wanted the most, and she quickly and optimistically answered Sushi. Being 11 and never having tried sushi, she dreamed of tasting it.

As the show ended what surprised me the most was the reporter estimated that around 370,000 children in Hong Kong are in that type of economic crises. Hong Kong is one of the richest and striving cities in the world, and it stands as an icon of modernity and a model utopia for the rest of Asia. Yet at the same time, in this capital of freedom and privilege lives 370,000 children that are hungry and cold. In business it is often realized that in order to make money you need money, and that in a society such as ours the rich will get richer and the poor will consequently get poorer. So as the modern world enters the 21st century, and after years of consequence and realization from past history, the human race is inevitably forced to remain in the shadows of evolution. We are no different from the past. By focusing on the problem and the race to achieve economic power and dominance, we forgot the problems that exists at the foundation of civilization and that is the people. We ignore the cries and hardships that exist at the economic level and we forge toward progressions of money and economic dominance. How sad has our way of life become? Hitler in World War II strove to unite his dream of a pure Germany, to end the poverty and shame of his own people inflicted upon them for WW1, yet in doing so he murdered 5 million innocent Jewish men, women and children. To save his own race he killed another. Chairman Mao has been hailed as the leader of the China Republic for uniting China and bringing about an economic and dominant power of leadership, in short Communism. Yet in striving and pursuing for this goal, he willingly murdered 7 million of the very people that he strove to save. He killed 7 million of his own people, and no dream and no pursuit is worth that cost. In this world that we live in, we often forge on toward some goal yet in doing so we ignore the consequences and the price of achieving that goal and we inflict even greater harm. We aim toward a belief for power and for money yet we forget the very people that we are trying to save. Therefore I am pleading to this new generation and to the future leaders of tomorrow to understand that to save our future we must first realize and save our present.

As I’m watching this documentary I’m sitting in my leather couch, infront of my 34” Sony television with High Definition in my 4 bedroom apartment located in the heart of North York. As I am sitting there, I’m thinking about the differences between my life and the life of those children in Hong Kong. Why is it that I can have so much and yet half way around the world, they seem to have nothing? Why is it that I can afford to eat whatever I want and buy whatever I want and not have to worry about the financial problems of tomorrow knowing that I am safe and secured? Why am I here in this world, in a society that that has limitless opportunities and the ability and encouragement to dream knowing that as long I try hard there’s a better life out there for me? I mean, what is it that makes my life, so lucky and fortunate yet at the same time children my age who are from the same heritage are so unfortunate? And finally a last question comes to mind. Why is it that I already have so much, yet I still dream for more luxury knowing that there are those that so less fortunate than me.
Last November I went on this 3 day trip to Montreal with several friends. In three days I spent close to $600 dollars. $600 in three days! Recalling this event I’m thinking, what the hell is wrong with me? I mean there’s no answer or justification that can explain for this behaviour yet somehow I spent that money. In a society that is focused around the belief that money is power, I somehow have ignored and forgotten the value and hardship in attaining that source of power. I have become what I have dreaded the most, a spoiled Asian kid. Although this topic has little correlation to what University life is about, I’m simply trying to express some sort of global awareness. To try to enlighten today’s educated and the leaders of tomorrow of what we cherish and what we at times take advantage of. Growth is often regarded to understanding oneself and growing in individualism, yet it is important to realize and to cherish our current state of living. As students and as moral beings we must be aware of what is outside our peaceful state of society and to realize that we are so, so lucky. So therefore pay attention to what you spend and to what you take for advantage.


Having completed this year in residence, I have discovered that my favourite hobby, pastime and social activity is not sports or playing videogames, but rather it is merely the act of chillin. Chillin by my definition is just simply being around friends, having a conversation about a topic that has no serious or significant value or importance. The act of chillin is a phenomenon that allows people to come together, to be joined and to share. It is by far the greatest experience that one can achieve. Throughout this year, the ability and the opportunity to chill with my friends has strengthened our friendship and wasted a lot of time that I am for sure glad to have wasted. The key and direction behind the art of chillin is to converse and to talk about something that is completely pointless and to be able to continue talking and sharing about that pointless topic. It’s somewhat hard to explain what exactly chillin is, rather it is simply an experience. On a personal account, my favourite and most memorable memories this year was spent just walking up and down Bloor Street. I can’t remember how many times I walked along that street with my friends and this was when all the shops were closed and we just talked and walked. In this one occasion my friend and I went into this building at around 2am and just sat on some bench speaking French. I personally can’t speak French but we spent quite some time just speaking to one another in French. It is often interesting to notice how quickly and how unusually the conversation often jumps from one topic to another. Try counting and recording the different subjects and topics that a conversation crosses through and you will be amused by the differences and randomness in the conversation. My favourite part of Toronto is this large rock that is situated in Yorkville on Bay and Bloor. It’s literally this large humungous rock and you just sit there talking. For some reason I just love that spot and again spent a lot of time there talking for no reason. Chillin is great and it is incredibly fun, and the main focus is that it doesn’t matter what it is you talk about. Regardless of the topics and complete randomness in the conversation, the key component to realize is that chillin is about the act of simply sharing and being around one another. All I can say is just go out find some friends and get some BBT then find a rock and talk.


Clubbing is a unique and interesting place to hang out on a Friday night. Clubbing is an unusual thing, it’s really a matter of one’s personal preference, which means that you either hate it or love it. I myself have not understood the philosophy and the exact game plan toward clubbing. Yet for some, clubbing is a great time to hang out with your friends and just dance away the night, for others it’s a hunt. A guy enters a club with one objective in mind and as unfortunate as that sounds it’s the basic truth for a lot of people. A guy enters a club looking and scanning for potential girls, and then initiates the intention of meeting the girl by the simple movement and gesture of the touch and grab. In many ways and as pathetic as it seems it’s like a buffet where guys just go from one girl to the next doing the touch and grab. Yet by no means is the guy at complete fault for this. I mean the girls that enter the club are dressed to please and they are dressed to stand out and to capture the attention of the male primate. Therefore a clubnight is a matter of baiting and hunting, as primitive as that sounds. I mean the entire atmosphere is set for this one objective, the lights are dimmed thereby making everyone more attractive, alcohol is sold and again distorting the vision and thus making everyone appear more attractive, the music is usually hip hop or rap which means the dancing is basically grinding, and of course everyone is dressed nice and tidy. Dim lights mixed with alcohol and mixed with tons of young fertile individuals in a very compact area, it doesn’t take a genius to realize what clubbing really is.
All in all clubbing is a phase and it is a fun time when you’re of legal age or when you have a good fake id, but it is a phase nonetheless. So have fun, and go drink. Go clubbing and get hooked up and realize the fun of it all. Because in the end you are paying to have fun and therefore have fun, also on a final note, learn how to dance. If you don’t know how to dance, then simply do the two step (taking one step to the left and then to the right and repeating).


In all things, University is not only a place for academic study, but it is equally important in determining the type of person one becomes. You will often be tested on what you believe as right and wrong. Your initial guidelines and strict morals will be swayed and they will often be bent. However, remember that yes you will change, that in itself is inevitable, yet change to become someone that you are proud of. High School was a phase of status and having certain roles to play out. Yet University is a time to destroy those barriers and that self inflicting charade that you had to put on for four years. Remember to stay firm and to never contradict what you believe and what you hold important. If possible become stronger and constantly be reminded that University is a period of influence and by living strong you not influence yourself but those around you. Remember to keep strong to your morals. Be a person that stands firm to tides of social pressure. Stand firm and be strong. As a Christian I understand that in this search for enlightenment and change, often times one must go the long way. Meaning that though there are shortcuts and there are ways to change by simply passing through the easy way, it is important to value the significance in overcoming certain barriers and obstacles in order to grow. By going the long way, and by constantly being bombarded by challenges and obstacle that defy and tests one’s belief and values we can reaffirm and re-establish what exactly it is we believe and why we believe. This belief that I am referring to is the understanding that we as individuals live this life knowing whether it be through God or because of our innate self, we believe that we are good and moral people. Therefore, stand firm to the tests that challenge the very nature and fibre of our moral grounding. Be strong and hold firm to your beliefs of morality and strong virtues and therefore do not give into peer pressure and ignore the little devil on your right shoulder. Also make sure that what you thought was bad in high school remain bad throughout University. Don’t let stuff slide.

Darkness is the absence of light as fear is the absence of certainty. As humans we fear because do not realize the outcome or understand the possible repercussions of our choices and decisions. Whereby one cannot experience the light without walking through the darkness and in such we cannot find certainty and truth without experiencing fear and obstacle. Therefore in realizing the fact that walking through and enduring is inevitable, we somehow have to overcome all fears in order to achieve peace and light. Fear is simply not knowing therefore logically by finding out what we don’t know we can destroy what we initially feared. Yet it is the course of nature in our pursuit toward the unknown that we fear. We are scared of heights, we are scared of spiders and we are scared of people. Therefore I urge you to conquer what it is your fear. For guys and for a lot of people the certain fear that I am specifically referring to is the fear of approaching and talking to new people. The fear to step up and the fear of rejection and humiliation is what we are scared of the most. I have no solution to overcoming this except to suck it up and go talk to random strangers, yet you need to realize and understand that this fear is a problem that drags you down. By being scared to talk to new people it is an anchor tying you down from growth. As mentioned above change and growth occurs with overcoming obstacles. Therefore overcoming one’s fears and challenges is most definitely an obstacle. In Franklin D. Roosevelt’s First Inaugural Address he stated, “So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself—nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance.” Therefore we fear the unknown which hinders us from going forward. Therefore attack and fight. Aja! Aja! Fighting! (Full House).



Don’t ever regret. Every decision, every action commit to it so that afterwards you can be proud that you did it. Don’t miss any opportunities and always, always step up. Take that chance because I guarantee no matter what it’ll be worth it, whether it be success or failure. And finally remember that all great things come at a risk. Don’t be scared to go for something you want because of a risk. Risk everything because all great things come at a risk.

In conclusion I’ll leave with this note of wisdom, “Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.” (Winston Churchill)



Have a good year.