i.d

So this past victoria weekend, i went to May Conference, a Korean CHristian retreat up in Hamilton somewhere. It was definitely a good experience as i was able to be reminded of what an Active Christ follower must do and what kinda of responsibilty entailed for one. For so long now ive remained comfortable in my current state of living and have remained a passive and lazy individual. It was a strong reminder and i was once again able to hear the words necessary to just wake me up. I dont know, im just hopin that this wont be another spiritual high and that i'll fall once again to my good old comfortable and safe living habit.

It's kinda weird, the more time that i spend experiencing korean culture - people (in general) and food in particular, the more i begin to familiarize and to start liking these things. KCF has been a pretty cool place to just experience a different Side of God that has been really enlightening and interesting. IT's so spiritual and so very tangible as one can almost feel God himself present around oneself. Though there remains a lot that i still am culturally unaware of and find a little unique and different, but in general it's just been a sick time and ive come have nothing but mad love for Korea.

KAM JAK TANG - the best, best food in the entire world. So beautiful as it is served up along with those mini dishes like kimchi and that potatoe stuff. It's all so very, very heavenly and perfect. It is an amazing combination of both spiciness and a little sweetness and sour. But also being to dig up the meat from the beef bone, it provides such a perfectly cooked tender texture and in mixing with the rice, the soup has such a strong aroma and fragrance of kimchi and pepper sweetness. It is the best that Korea has to offer in my mind, As this meal is to me nothing short of perfection. Ecspecially when it is served up with a nice cold OB beer, AWWW MAN, a taste of heaven as it cools the pallet and just refreshes the mouth and body. Invigorating.

Man my schedule is so messed up. Getting home at like 4 in the middle of the night and wakin up at 1 everyday. Definitely gotta start gettin bak on a more regular schedule. Anyways i was playin ball yesterday for the first time in pretty much a long long time. Man my cardio is bad, gotta start runnin or something. Also, i find myself constantly trying to reminisce bout the past, should really start lookin ahead rather than gettin lost in the past.

If theres one thing that i love so so much, its cell phones (like the Sony Ericsson W910 - DAMN). So hot, so sexy, so sleek, it's everything that a man could ask for. And wha'ts the best thing about cell phones? its that these companies such as my favourite sony ericsson, they constantly come out with even bigger and better models. In turn, it continuously drives me to upgrade and upgrade to get that sweet and sexy metal and chrome finished phone that comes out a coupla months before the previous sexy one did. U know, someone would call this desire, this addiction to upgrade a fall to consumerism. THat i would fall prey in becoming a tool to society's ploy in screwing the working student out of his little money? To this accusation, i gotta say - COME ON. Consumerism is for the weak at heart, but Passion is for the strong. I wonder what else in life can or should be upgraded too?

Today was a very, very unique day as i was able to experience both a highlight and also come to a realization of something that was very painful. A simple fact - I suck at bowling. A sport, if even called that, but a game nonetheless without purpose and void of any skill has become something that i detest and despise. A competitive person at heart, in seeing my low score on the monitor in comparison to the fellow competitors playing beside me, my heart breaks at what it displays. Such injustice and inequality is it displays not only my skill but also shows my lack in character and manhood as i am unable to rise to the occasion. They are able to elevate their score, yet consequently mine simply stays the same. What game is this, where i cannot win?
However on a positive note, i was able to see Ironman today, a great movie in my mind, filled with great effects and even having a good story line for a comic book movie. And in seeing this movie and this character of Tony Sparks who transformed into this machine that is iconic of heroism and all that is good, one draws comparison between the man and the mask. Can a man be more than what he is, by simply dressing different and thereby leading him to act differently. If Tony Sparks didn't have the armor and the suit, who would he be? Would he be any less of a man, could he evoke any less of an influence on the world? Such questions cause me to think about who I am. If a suit is able to change a man into being an icon of goodness that saves the world, what must i wear to even inspire the least of changes in this world. What must i do in order to make a difference? Is it even possible to change who i am to become another man by merely changing my outlook and outer self? Although far fetched and even insane, these comparisons between fictitious superheroes and myself cause me to think of these similarities. Im not exactly sure what im trying to say, i mean i guess if Ironman and all that he stands for and does is built on something as minuscule as a mask, what are the things that i must change and alter to become better and different? Maybes its not my appearance or building a suit of armor, but what are the small things in my life right now that deter me from being and living up to my full potential. What's holding me back and what are the things that i must build upon to approach that next thing that i must do in order to simply become better, an upgrade of Derek as of now.

MAn im so freakn depressed wit school. So tired of all this. How your life and all that your worth is dictated by 2 numbers. EVerything that u try so hard to work toward, your blood and sweat and most painfully, your hope. All that just gets destroyed and leaves you with nothing but disappointment. And man do i wanna move down town. Just so tired of life as it is, i just wanna go somewhere and get away from everything. Hopefully this summer will grant me that oppurtunity to free myself.

I gotta thank my boyz this year. For some reason that although our faith is what brings us together, it seems that it is our anger and dissapointment at UT that somehow strengthens our bonds. I don't know how nor understand why, but when one of us falls it seems that all of us together somehow fall together simultaneously. It's kinda like a really messed up dominoes effect. But either way, when i do fall it doesn't suck that bad when we're all kinda experiencing the same thing. As if we all know how that feels and there's that underlying sense of understanding and support. This brings me to another conclusion, if i were to hang out wit smarter kids, would that also by relation make me smarter as well? hmmm. Regardless, i'm definitely glad to be apart of this messed up brotherhood this year.

So i came across this letter i sent to an old friend a long time ago. Right now our relationship is kinda shaky and when i was reading the one that i sent, what i previously said is exactly the same way that feel right now with that person. I always strive to change, to grow yet why is that im back to where i was a year ago. How is that through everything that we've gone through, that ive gone through, back to where i was. Stagnated. And its not only in relationships that i seem to have problems, but also in school and in life in general. I keep coming across the same kinda problems that im supposed to have moved on from. I mean, if I'm not that man that I was yesterday and that I've learned from my mistakes, why is it that they keep resurfacing? I dont know. I really have thought about this question, and it's really angered me because i feel like i'm still that kid that i was a long time ago. But then i thought. If we are supposed to learn from our mistakes and to grow from them, it's not that we are able to dodge these problems but its possible that we're supposed to learn in dealing with them. Somehow grow stronger with each new day we face, and also become more mature in our relationships, in school and in life. Where although the old keeps running to meet wit the present, we can see each day as a new one and focus on what ahead, while reminded of what we've gone through in past as it we take that to pave our future.

So i think i'm gonna try to write more often now. Lately i've been listenin to this korean rapper/singer, T Tasha. She's aight i gotta admit. Though i can't understand a word that she says, i quite admire the flow of the beat and her voice. There's actually one song in particular that i really kinda like.