i.d

So I find myself once again sitting in front of a screen, trying to once again somehow put letters into words, words into sentences, and ultimately sentences into some form of understanding. Something that has become more and more of a challenge to me. However, at the moment I am actually lying back atop of not so sure clean bed sheets in a rundown motel, staring at my watch, as it’s fast approaching 2 in the morning. I find myself here because I am enjoying the last remaining days of my summer. After having spent the entire summer working I now find myself in the middle - somewhere between Chicago and Toronto. Anyways, I’m sitting and it has been a long, long day of continuous sitting and I can’t help but think… What am I writing, but more importantly, why am writing? But then again, inspiration comes in the most unsuspecting of places. So this entire day I have spent reflecting on this past year. Kinda weird isn’t it? Having spent more than 8 hours in the car today looking out the window for something that will distract me and relieve me from my parents’ constant murmuring and mumbling to each other, and the never ending harsh criticism of my worse than Asian women driving, and in the middle of all of this I am actually able to think of something meaningful.

So let me begin, this past year eh? Well it most definitely has been one that won’t be forgotten, although I wouldn’t say that it was one that is unforgettable as cited and overused by the most clique of movies, however, it was an opportunity to meet a lot of people which I believe will not be forgotten soon. Some were interesting, some were unique in their own right, but most definitely, they were all ok people.

I guess this year began with this past Fall Retreat. Fifty odd strangers camped in only a handful of tents in the middle of someone’s backyard, far out in the middle of nowhere. So let me continue, as I was thrown into this less than accommodating environment, a place ironically besetting my introduction to some very interesting people. Interesting is a word that will probably be used quite often, simply because I cannot find another term so inviting as that to define the people that I will generally be referring to.

I guess what was one the weirdest outcomes of this retreat, was that I was able to reintroduce myself to another friend whom I had barely known first year. Almost a stranger to me first year, I guess our similar pasts and more importantly, our similar vision for our own individual future was what somehow became a link to our friendship.
What probably was most memorable during that weekend though, was when I met this really unusual 2nd year person. Quite awkward and presumed to continually mock me throughout that entire weekend, she was definitely not someone I saw being seen together with me in public. Although her intentions and reason for her constant abuse was not without reason, yet her attitude toward myself was unlike anyone I have ever met before. And although her uniquely harsh and angered aggression toward myself filled with a sense of comedic criticism it was in the end strangely and unusually inviting.
I can remember in first year, I was part of this small group, a meeting of several friends who would meet weekly to just chill and talk about their week. It was quite inviting yet, because of my schedule and also I guess partly due to my inability in relating or sharing I wasn’t really much apart of that group. Similar to me, this other quiet individual whose goal in meeting good friends and finding people that he could share with was again parallel and hindered by our inability to open up. Although we didn’t really chill that first year, through acquaintances this past year we were able to find ourselves having or rather sharing a similar commonality, and that was our mutual disdain toward those self believed to be intellectually superior to us. This mutual understanding and, maybe too harsh to say, but hatred, inevitably became a much valuable key in our friendship.
I guess the most interesting person I met, who somehow through luck, chance or possible blessing, would eventually become one of the closest people that I will ever meet. This quite girl, actually not really so quite now that I come to think of it was introduced to me through our strategic game plan during the groups Mafia game and through our interconnected network of friends. Our relationship did eventually blossom to a connection that I had never once had before. A constant companion to this day, she remains a friend for life through the midst of our rocky and sometimes molu adventures. Our time spent together was one that I will always cherish.
Anyways I guess I can just say that Fall Retreat was the beginning of an awesome year. It happened so randomly, yet it set the trend for this year coming to be.

The Library. What a place. Throughout my ever so riveting 20 years of life experience, I have come across countless environments, hundreds of different settings each unique their own atmosphere and ambience. Ironically I have always found that the library to be a place filled with joy, hope often paralleled with a feeling of confusion and fatigue, yet of course there was also studying. It was as if that silent ambience gave me or filled me with a sense of purpose and encouragement when studying there. I felt like I somehow achieved something through the process of just being there. Therefore in end, I felt kinda proud. However, it would be much later that upon seeing my marks, I realized the true outcome of studying and how all in vain it all was. Yet the former has always somehow gave me a reason to be there.
In first semester I found myself living at the library. The very first time being at Robarts was I guess pretty memorable. I remember studying with just a few people, and even though some of us were strangers to each other, our common goal in not failing somehow stood as a link to each other. A much later realization would be that studying with friends is never a great idea. But that night stands as a benchmark and a reminder that first impressions are often lasting impressions, and most definitely, that night and those people reminded me of how fun it was and will forever remain a lasting fond memory of my youth. Much later we began studying at this other library and I swear, coming inside it felt as if I was entering a party or something. A place that is always filled with students and never having available seats, it was upon entering that place that I never had to worry about getting a seat. There was always someone there who pretty much secured an entire section for us to study.
I know, I sound like an idiot. Library being a club? What kind of garbage is this that’s spewing out of my mouth, and… you’re right it’s actually nothing like that. Haha. But nevertheless it was quite good. So it was good. Even the random pranks that we played on each other’s laptops, by putting inappropriate images on each other’s computers when they would walk away to go to the washroom or to get water, which many can attest to was quite inappropriate was fun. And though it may have been immature and though we often made a huge commotion that hindered even those around us to not study, it was all in the end something that was good. Good.

Second year was in every possible way different from first year. Coming to University I clinged to this vision of meeting as many people as possible, which I believe I successfully accomplished. However, I never truly learned to value my friendships, and realized that such relationships are not only gifts that are given for one another, but they stand as sacrifices offered to each other. In becoming a friend, you not only receive from what others give to you, but you also sacrifice a part of who you are to that other person. And it is this sacrifice that makes your friendship not only so very valuable, but also so fragile at the same time. It was in second year, at the age of 20 that I realized the responsibility and true value that a friendship entails.
This problem of often taking advantage of friends that I was harshly criticized for was brought to my attention by several people and was something that I never thought was possible. It was something that I didn’t think I could be blamed for and after repeated confrontation by several close people I guess I kind of saw it too. It’s a problem in social awareness, or rather social ignorance. In the midst of this phenomenal year, where I met some great people in first semester, in this process I somehow found myself ignoring much valued friends that I had in the past. Worse even, although unintentionally, but nonetheless harmful was my direct disregard for the sacrifice that others had made and given to me and even using that sacrifice and that trust against them. I guess it can be said that I used to see the measure of a man dictated by the quantity of people around him and by how many friends he had. It was as if collecting friends and becoming popular was a title that defined how good of a friend I was. In the end, I lost a lot but through hard work and through a period of enlightenment and solitude that I realized how much I had lost and much even one or two friend meant to me, were apart of me.

I was reading a book lately called Blink, that talked about first impressions and often how accurate that initial conversation is. The weird thing about me though, is that I think I always test out the people I meet for the first time. I always kind of make a not so appropriate comment often break the ice and if it is responded with a kind feedback than I will immediately like that person. If however, it is received with bad and misguided understanding than unfortunate to say, that person will be someone that I feel less close to. And unfortunate to say I do this with a lot of people. I can still remember that one time when me and two friends were walking to this house get together last year and rather than me break the silence with an inappropriate thing to say, the person beside me did and ironically it was also well received by the person to my other side. I was dumbstruck by this, but at that moment in time I knew that these guys beside me, suffice to say we shared something special. And much later on, we continue that conversation in the course of the year and it was as if our bond of friendship was founded upon that initial inappropriate comment. So in the end, I guess first impressions are lasting impressions.

I think I’ll take the time to comment on probably one of the most important if not the most important bonds of friendship that was ever graced upon me. It was a friendship, no I think the word brotherhood is a stronger more accurate title for the relationship that we all shared together. Founded on an understanding and a passion for Christ, us boys and our time spent with each other, it somehow made us all better people. I mean, we may have initially been drawn to each other through our mutual immaturity, but it became and developed into bond of trust, of support and of hope. We gave each other hope to become better than who we were and to strive to it together. I think that one of the hardest things in being a Christian is often our failure to see the physicality in God. We can’t fathom or begin to comprehend God because we cannot see Him and this stands as an obstacle in our faith. And as corny as this sounds, it was through the people that I saw this year, that I was able to see reflections of God. I was able to see parts of God living in these people and it was something that I can only assume made me grow tighter with these people.

So anyways second year was pretty aight. And although I’m writing this piece in some desolate random place, by just reminiscing about last year reminds me of the great times I had. Met so many people. Wasted so much valuable studying time. But in the end worth it all. And I guess one of the most important life lessons learned this past year, was friendship.